on second thought....

Well maybe I'm not at a complete loss... perhaps I have made one decision today :)

If I look at my life, and relationships and think of who is the most important to me, it gets a little overwhelming, who would I consider to be best friends, lady soul mates, acquaintances? Are there people that I wouldn't miss if I never heard from them again?

It occurred to me, that people who are indispensable, are the people that I have this uncontrollable urge to tell absolutely everything to. The good and the bad, even random uninteresting bits of information - and do they care about any of it? I really hope so.

One day in the ever so distant future, when I find a man to marry... I really hope he can be that for me, I want to marry my best friend, the person that I am excited to tell ridiculous things to, like my favourite song playing on the radio, that I was late because my socks are inside out, someone who understands the smarties, and the toilet paper... That is who I need my husband to be :)

It's a decision - and it really is liberating. Its also how I know I'm not ready for marriage now. Or I'd be marrying my lady-soul-mate :P

decisions

they are supposed to be liberating....

so why am I so not liberated?

this is amazing!

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

humble truth

" I think the approachability of one person as perceived by another depends on the relationship between the 2 people... thoughts included... and at which level (if at all) they connect /click " con fuse

the honesty of a best friend

best friend: had apples and bananas visit last night.. think u goin to have to make an effort not to let her know u ignoring her.. .. coz now i get the brunt of "what did i do.. does she hate me.. why does she ignor me"...

me: ummm i dont ignore her. zomg. i said hi dammit.

best friend: .. said that u were miffed with other ppl and that maybe it just carried accross and she thought it was aimed at her.. but i was sure u wernt and to take it with a pinch a salt

me: mmmm. well she can come and talk to me too. maybe i should email her. did banana talk to you in confidence? or if i approach her on it will she be pissed u told me? or ??

best friend: hmmm.. not to sure .. think she might be sensitive to me telling details.. maybe just say that "i told you that she thinks that you dont like her and that u bla bla bla"..

me: i've realised i'm actually such a bitch. *sigh* even boyfie tells me i make ppl feel unwelcome... grape, mango, cherry, lichi... they've all been on the list *sigh*

best friend: u just really straight forwards.. .. guess im just used to it..but can see how ppl that dont know u would take it the wrong way

me: mmm. i guess. i should try and be nicer. pth.

best friend: lol

me: but really, if banana is really that upset by it - wont she msn me and say "have i done anything wrong? you seemed so mad" or something. i mean am i supposed to bleeping guess its my fault or something? pth i say. PTTHH!

best friend: lol

me: u know what. if she really wants to sort stuff out - she can come to me.

best friend: agg.. maybe in all your bitchyness.. and puttin ppl off and rudness, u unaproachable to?

me: oh my lord.

best friend: lol

me: i didnt think of that!

best friend: lol

me: bleep. i really am a bitch arent i. *sigh*

random pic

song love

fergie - big girls don't cry (so great for when ur in the car alone;)

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I’d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it’s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day’s the same, there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?”

So if tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I’m in your heart.

life really is too short

One moment your heart is beating, air rhythmically flowing in and out of your lungs... not a care in the world, not a thought about the future - just living in the moment, and then life gets taken away. Your heart still, your body cold and shut down.

you
feel
nothing.

A life is taken... heartache, tears and mourning now fill the space that would have been your life, your laughter, your future. So many lives changed, because one is stolen from the world.

It could be anyone - your best friend, your child, your husband, you mother or father, sister or brother. Life is too short, love while you can and never let anything go unsaid.